Whether you’re a parent, teacher or just someone who comes into regular contact with children, you’ll know it’s normal for them to push boundaries and sometimes not listen to the rules we put in place. Even though it’s normal, it doesn’t always make it easier to deal with.
So what can we do about this? Well, there’s a quick answer that will work some of the time. And there’s a slower, but much more sustainable answer. You’ll probably want to use a combination of the two!
Quick answer – explain the reason behind the rule… but… and this is important, do it when it’s not being broken. We often wait for a rule to be broken to reinforce it. Sometimes we even reinforce rules that we haven’t shared with the child before it’s been broken. The problem is, if the rule they broke gave them pleasure (e.g running in the corridor, or throwing a toy at their sibling) and then we tell them not to do it, it produces a shame reaction.
Shame reactions usually look like this:
- Withdraw – they run away and don’t want to talk to you
- Deny – they don’t take ownership of the behaviour
- Attack themselves – they say things like, “I’m rubbish, I always mess up”
- Attack others – they shift the blame, tell you to go away, push, shove etc
The child can move around the responses.
When a child responds this way, the chances of them taking on board our “rule” is greatly reduced. In fact, if the response is strong enough, with enough emotion underneath it, you could argue that they don’t have the capability of understanding and processing what you’re saying. You may as well be speaking in a different language.
So… if you have some important rules for children to follow, you should sit down with them and discuss it before it happens, when they are in a good space, and have the capacity to understand what is being asked of them. And of course, you’ll probably need to do it more than once!
Long Answer – rules are usually only applicable in a certain context. For example, ” don’t run in the corridor” teaches them to not run in corridors. But it doesn’t teach them not to run in the house, or not to run in a restaurant.
So instead of teaching a rule, we should aim to teach values:
“How do we keep ourselves and other people safe when it’s busy”
“When we’re around others who are also walking around, how can we be kind and considerate to them”
When we teach values, children learn to apply them in different contexts and, importantly, they learn to apply them even when we aren’t there to tell them.
Of course that takes longer. A lot longer! But it is absolutely worth it.